


I'll Never Leave You Alone

by CamelotQueen



Series: The Memory of You is Killing Me [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-09-09 21:31:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8912794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CamelotQueen/pseuds/CamelotQueen
Summary: Over a decade after the team was launched into space, Keith is back on earth struggling with dissociative amnesia. Luckily he's not fighting it alone, and his husband and the rest of the team are there to help.A series of drabbles revolving around Keith's amnesia.





	1. Flight Risk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance wakes up and Keith is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a continuation of my fic "Don't Forget to Remember Me." It isn't required to read it, all you really need to know is that Keith has dissociative amnesia and keeps forgetting his life on a loop when he wakes up in the morning. The amount he remembers varies every day, but usually he wakes up not remembering anything.

Lance feels cold when he wakes up, and he instinctively reaches out for the familiar body heat of his husband. His hand lands on cold sheets and he pats around blindly, searching for warmth. When he still can’t locate it, he blearily opens his eyes with a groan.

He’s surprised to find that Keith is nowhere to be seen. It’s rare that he gets up earlier than Lance these days. He wonders if this means that Keith has his memories today. It’s been around a year since he started losing them, and it’s been rough. He could use a day off.

He gets up and wanders down the stairs, searching for Keith in the kitchen. It’s empty, and Lance feels a sense of dread settle in the pit of his stomach.

“Keith?” he calls out uncertainly. The house is eerily silent.

Lance doesn’t let himself panic. He calls out Keith’s name again, going from room to room. Every room has the same results.

“Keith, this isn’t funny,” he says as he grabs his coat and slippers and walks out onto the back porch. The November air is biting and he crosses his arms over his chest for extra warmth.

He scans the backyard but he knows Keith isn’t there. He goes to the front yard and looks up and down the street. Nothing.

Lance tries to control his breathing but he feels his heart picking up speed against his will. He tries to find rational answers. _Maybe he took a walk. Maybe he ran to the store… without taking the car. Maybe…_

_I’ll call him_ , he decides, and walks back into the house. He grabs the home phone in the kitchen and dials Keith’s number. He presses the phone to his ear and hears the line start to ring…

...And in the other room, Keith’s phone vibrates.

Lance curses and hangs up. Leave it to Keith to disappear and not take his phone. If he did this and he remembers, Lance is going to kill him. But if he’s having one of his bad days…

_I’m not panicking, I’m not panicking._

Lance shakes his head and dials the only other number he has memorized besides Keith’s and his mom’s.

_Please pick up, pick up, pick up…_

“Hello?” a tired voice responds over the other line.

“Hunk! Oh thank god, buddy… I need your help.”

“What is it?” the voice sounds more aware now. Lance must have woken him up.

“Keith is missing.”

Silence for a few seconds, and then, “what?”

“Well, I mean, I don’t know where he is,” Lance grips his hair and paces the kitchen. “I woke up and he wasn’t there and he’s not in the house and I don’t see a note and I called his phone but he left it here and…”

“How long has he been gone?”

“I don’t know! I woke up to him gone. He could’ve left hours ago for all I know.”

“Have you called Shiro and Pidge?”

“No, you’re the first person I called. Do you think he’s with them?”

“I would say… probably not. They would have let you know. And if his memory is gone… this isn’t good.”

“I know this isn’t good! What should I do!?” Lance was officially panicking.

“I think… I think you should call the police. They’ll be able to help you track him down. I’ll call Shiro and Pidge and see if they’re around. We’ll come down and help you look too. Just… don’t panic okay? I’ll be right there.”

“Don’t panic. Right.” Too late.

“Okay… see you soon.”

“Bye…”

Lance hangs up and stares at the phone. He feels like his insides are submerged in cold water.

 

* * *

 

The police arrive, as do Hunk, Shiro, and Pidge. Lance explains the situation to the police, and Keith’s condition, and shows them a picture of him. They have him describe a few details about him, what he thinks he may have been wearing when he left, and possible locations he might be drawn to. Lance answers as best he can, but every second sitting and talking with them is another second not looking for Keith. 

Finally, they tell him that they will put out an alert and keep an eye out for him, and they leave. Lance doesn’t like the idea of sitting around and waiting for a call from the police, so his friends give him a hug and tell them that they will all look for him as well.

They decide to split up. Pidge stays at the house in case Keith comes back. Shiro goes looking in possible places that Keith would gravitate to, and Hunk decides to keep Lance company and drive aimlessly around town to see if they find him anywhere. 

Lance feels better now that he’s doing something, but the uneasiness in his chest doesn’t disappear. He gets in the passenger seat of the car with his head down, and Hunk looks at him with concern but doesn’t say anything. He’s grateful for that. He doesn’t know how to describe what he’s feeling right now.

They drive around in silence for a few minutes. Lance’s eyes are glued out the window, frantically searching for a hint of Keith anywhere. His hands pull at his sweatshirt strings subconsciously, fingers picking apart the frayed ends.

“Lance…” Hunk says quietly after a while. “It’s going to be okay.”

“Don’t say that!” Lance snaps. “You don’t know that. He could’ve hopped on a train. He could be far away from here by now. How would we know? How would we ever find him?”

“Lance, I think you’re overthinking this. He probably–”

“I’m not overthinking! I’m thinking the perfect amount. Keith is missing and he has no memory and we have no way of getting in touch with him. He’s lost, and he could be scared or hurt or…”

“He’s not a little kid,” Hunk laughs. “He can take care of himself. He’s probably just wandering around.”

Lance huffs and sinks in his seat, feeling embarrassed.

“I’m so terrible at this.”

“...What?”

“This! Keith! Taking care of him. I’m really bad at it.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I keep treating him like he’s helpless. I know he hates it. But I don’t know how I’m supposed to handle this! It’s so hard, and now it’s my fault he’s missing.”

“It’s not your–”

“I didn’t hear him get out of bed. I should’ve had a game plan set up for him waking up before me. He probably woke up, saw me as a stranger lying in bed with him, freaked out, and bolted.”

“Maybe that happened, but you don’t know. And you shouldn’t blame yourself. You’re doing everything you can.”

“Yeah, but there’s a difference between trying and succeeding.” Lance crosses his arms and looks out the window. “It’s been a year, Hunk. A year since he was officially diagnosed. And I still feel like I’m floundering to deal with it. The doctors help, and my family stops by a lot too, but most of the time I’m left on my own.” 

Lance’s hands are shaking. Hunk spares a worried glance at him but he remains silent.

“And…” Lance takes a shaky breath. “And he’s so vulnerable like this and it scares me. Every day I make so much progress with him and then it’s erased overnight. He doesn’t remember the things I say to him, the kisses I give him, the days I spend with him. He doesn’t… he doesn’t even remember _me_ most days.”

He sucks in a sharp breath. He’s never said this to anyone before. He’s scared Hunk won’t see him as the strong, loving husband anymore. He’s tried so hard to be that for everyone. For Keith.

But he’s not strong. He’s not the supportive husband that Keith needs. He feels selfish for being frustrated that Keith keeps forgetting who he is. He feels useless for not being able to help him.

“I’m afraid what I’m doing isn’t enough for him. I’m afraid _I’m_ not enough.”

Hunk pulls over suddenly and parks on the side of the road. He looks at Lance with sharp determination and places a firm hand on his shoulder.

“That’s not true and you know it. Keith _loves_ you. He might have a harder time showing it now but he still feels it. You can tell by the way he looks at you, and by the way he trusts you even when he can’t remember who you are. He might not always be able to remember your past, but he remembers how he feels about you.”

Lance feels his eyes water and he looks down, kicking his leg up on the edge of the seat and placing his chin on his knee.

“Does he though? Does he really? I don’t even remember the last time he said he loved me… and the way he looks at me every morning. There’s no recognition there. It kills me.”

His voice wavers. A tear falls down his cheek and it’s like a dam is broken. All of a sudden tears are streaming down his face and he turns his head to the passenger window and sniffs quietly. He hopes Hunk doesn’t notice but he knows that he does.

“Lance…”

Lance discreetly rubs his face with his shoulder and looks at the digital clock. 11:23 AM. They’ve been looking almost all morning.

He laughs wetly, new tears falling out of his eyes. “Wow… I’m sorry. I’m such a mess.”

“It’s okay, Lance,” Hunk assures him, shaking his shoulder amiably. “We all support you, you know that? We’re all amazed at how strong you’ve been throughout all of this. It’s okay to be in pain over this. We all are. But you’re going through the most. And you’re doing so good. You might think you’re doing a bad job, but you’re not.”

Lance manages a bitter smile but doesn’t say anything.

“C’mere,” Hunk mumbles and pulls Lance into a side hug over the cup holders. His seat belt stops him from leaning over all the way and it’s mostly just awkward shoulder pats, but it helps.

“Now, are you ready to find your husband and kick his butt for disappearing?”

Lance manages to laugh and nod. His face is tight where the drying tear tracks are, his eyes burn, and he feels gross, but he’s ready. Hunk gives him the thumbs up and shifts back into drive.

 

* * *

 

It’s mid-afternoon when they finally get the call. Lance picks up.

“Shiro? Did you find him?” he asks hopefully as soon as presses the phone to his ear.

“I did, he’s at the park. He was just walking around, he’s fine.”

Lance lets out a breath of air he feels like he was holding in all day. Hunk beams next to him, eavesdropping in on the conversation. 

“See? I told you. Just walking around.”

Lance ignores him. “Does he remember?”

“No,” Shiro responds. “He was a little freaked out when I approached him. Tried to take a swing at me, but I explained everything to him and I think he’s better now. I don’t know how you do this every day.” 

Lance’s smile felt like it was going to crack his face open. The perfect, infallible Takashi Shirogane was praising him for his ability to deal with Keith.

“Oh, it’s nothing. You get into a routine after a while.” 

Hunk rolls his eyes dramatically.

“Well, he’s still a little confused so you might want to get here fast. And he’s cold. He didn’t have a jacket or anything so I gave him mine.”

“You’re the best, Shiro,” Lance thanks. “We’re on our way now. Just keep him right there. We’ll see you soon.”

Lance hangs up. He gives Hunk the destination and he makes a U-turn. He feels so much better now that he knows where Keith is. The tightness in his chest has disappeared.

They reach the park ten minutes later. Hunk parks and Lance jumps out of the car before he even takes the key out. He’s running straight towards a pair of figures in the distance that he recognizes immediately. Keith is talking to Shiro and wearing an oversized jacket around his shoulders. He has just enough time to notice Lance out of the corner of his eye before he is side-tackled into the grass.

“Keith!” Lance plants kisses on every inch of his face

Keith laughs, actually _laughs_ , and shoves Lance’s face away. “Lance, stop. You’re like a puppy.”

Lance ignores his remark and wraps his arms tightly around him. “I’m just so happy you’re back! Don’t ever scare me like that again!”

“I’m sorry,” Keith replies. “I… didn’t mean to scare you. I couldn’t remember…”

Lance lets go of him and pulls back, looking at his face. He presses his hands to his cheeks and allows a silent moment to pass between them.

“It’s okay,” he smiles. “You remember now. That’s all that matters.”

 

* * *

 

Lance leans against Keith’s shoulder on the couch that night. They are watching TV while Keith writes little notes for himself. He decided to do it when they got home. He said his therapist recommended it to him.

“I thought it was a stupid idea,” Keith had confessed. “Because I didn’t want to admit I needed help. But now I see… this is more than just for me. It’s for you, too.” 

Lance had stared at him wide-eyed.

“I’m not the only one affected by the amnesia,” Keith explained. “It was selfish of me to think that. This is both of our struggle. But maybe yours even more so than mine.”

Lance was afraid to say anything, so he didn’t. Instead, he walked up to Keith and pressed a firm kiss to his mouth. They pulled apart after a few moments, but just barely. 

“You’re so important to me, Lance. I don’t want to hurt you, but I am. And I’m sorry. I’m not going to be able to stop myself, so the best I can do is take precautions. Anything you need me to do to make your life easier in the future, let me know. I’ll make this work. I’ll do anything for you, because I love you.”

So here they are, lying idly on the couch as Keith writes notes for his future self. Important dates, people, things like that. Lance makes suggestions every once in awhile and Keith adds them to the list.

“Do you think this will work?” Keith asks when he feels like he’s done.

“I guess we’ll see.”


	2. You Are the Best Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Keith wakes up, something feels off. Not in the usual way, but in the way that he knows that he usually feels off. Today he feels… clear. Like he's been walking around with a blindfold on for weeks and he's finally taken it off. 
> 
> He remembers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to write another depressing chapter, but some people commented that they wanted to see a good day, and I figured after everything I've put them through already and then everything Keith just went through in the new season, I would give everyone something to be happy about.

When Keith wakes up, something feels off. Not in the usual way, but in the way that he knows that he usually feels off. Today he feels… clear. Like he's been walking around with a blindfold on for weeks and he's finally taken it off.

He remembers.

His eyes open wide and a grin splits across his face. _He remembers._ He looks to Lance, who is awkwardly sprawled across the bed, drooling on the pillow, and snoring slightly, and it's still the most beautiful sight Keith has ever seen because he recognizes him. He's not some stranger he's waking up to, but his husband of six years. And that's a beautiful feeling that he doesn't get to cherish nearly as much as he wants to. 

So he takes this opportunity of clarity to scooch closer to Lance and gently shake his shoulder.

“Hey, Lance…” he whispers, “Lance, wake up…”

“Wa’sit…” Lance mumbles, swatting the hand away lethargically.

Keith persists and hugs Lance around the waist, pulling him closer. He places butterfly kisses all over his face and repeats his name over and over again until Lance pushes away and stretches dramatically with a groan.

“Why are you waking me-wait…”

Lance opens his eyes and looks at Keith critically. “You said my name…”

Keith smiles knowingly. “I did.”

“So you… do you…”

“Lance,” Keith repeats, cupping his husband’s face and gazing at him lovingly. “I do.”

The face that Lance makes in reaction is something that Keith wishes he could document on his list of “things to never forget under any circumstances.” The next thing he knows, he's being hugged so tightly he thinks he might burst open.

“You remember! Oh my god, I can't believe it! This is… it’s been so… we need to celebrate! Clear your schedule, honey, we’re going out to breakfast!”

Keith laughs and throws his head back, to which Lance responds by blowing a raspberry on his exposed neck. Keith wraps his arms around Lance and arches an eyebrow mischievously.

“Make that brunch. Let’s not be so eager to jump out of bed. It’s not everyday I wake up with enough clarity to appreciate sharing a bed with my insanely good looking husband.”

Lance wiggles his eyebrows smugly. “Aww, you think I’m good looking.”

“Lance, we’ve been married for six years. I would hope so.”

“I know, but still.”

Keith grabs Lance by the shoulders and pulls himself closer so that his head is tucked under Lance’s chin. “Shut up and cuddle me.”

 

* * *

 

The café they settle on is small but quaint. Its around 11 o’clock when they finally arrive, so the morning rush is mostly over. A few guests, mostly elderly, still loiter around. The aesthetic of the place is like a retro 50s diner. Keith and Lance sit at a booth by the window, which has a nice view of the town center. The waitress greets them pleasantly and hands them the menu. She looks young, probably a high schooler, and it reminds Keith briefly of the childhood he left behind to go fight in a war that none of them ever asked to be part of.

He loses himself in memories briefly, which is a rare thing, and is snapped back to reality when he’s asked for his drink order. Lance stares at him with suppressed concern, but Keith shakes it off. Once the waitress leaves, Lance puts his hand on top of Keith’s on the table.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks.

Keith stares down at their hands. “Just reminiscing on the past…”

Lance gives him a small smile. “Is it all coming back to you now?”

“Not really,” Keith shrugs. “I remember growing up, I remember getting sent to space and I remember most of our time with Voltron… but there are still a lot of blanks.”

“I think it’s just always going to be like that, babe,” Lance admits. “Trust me, there’s a good reason why you’re not remembering. Despite how hard it is, your brain is just trying to protect you. It’s probably for the best.” 

Keith looks up at Lance’s haunted face, and he thinks about all the times he’s woken up to his husband trembling next to him, all the thunderstorms he’s had to hold him through, all the times there was nothing he could do but hold him as he cried into his shoulder…

And he couldn’t relate. He couldn’t relate because he couldn’t remember. He was right there through all of those events that kept Lance awake at night, that made him cautious in the dark and jumpy at sudden noises. But how could be properly comfort him if he didn’t even remember what happened?

“Don’t worry about it. I’m just happy you remember all the good stuff.”

And Lance would never tell him. Keith’s asked before, about what made him traumatized enough to forget, and Lance had said it was unclear what specifically triggered it, since he didn’t start losing his memory until after they returned home. But there were clearly blanks in his head, even on good days, which stopped him from remembering the most horrific of memories. He had some ideas... Lance mentioned that he had been captured and tortured at one point, and there had been several near death experiences, but he would never go into specifics. Keith knew talking about it put Lance in a dark place, so he never wanted to push it.

So instead, he smiles comfortingly, and flips his hand over to squeeze Lance’s.

“Me too.”

The waitress arrives with their drinks a few minutes later and takes their order. They hand her their menus and Keith allows himself to slip back into a happy demeanor as he appreciates Lance’s company.

“We should tell the others,” he finds himself saying. “You know, that I remember. They should know.”

Lance looks out the window. “Yeah, we’ll call them. After breakfast though! I want to have you all to myself for a little while.”

Keith smiles, “Of course.”

The rest of their breakfast date passes by with lots of laughter and remembering the good memories. After they leave a tip, they walk out of the café and down the sidewalk toward the park. Lance slips his hand in Keith’s again and Keith grips it tight, knowing that his husband doesn’t always get to express his affection every day. There are a lot of days that Keith is guarded and paranoid, and days where he doesn’t remember at all. He appreciates how hard it must be for Lance on those days. 

They sit on a bench and appreciate the nice summer day. The sun is shining, a faint breeze blows past them, and a woman is walking her dog a couple feet away. Everything feels calm, and it’s a welcome break from their often tumultuous life. Lance places his head on Keith’s shoulder and Keith wraps his arm around Lance’s back. 

“I wish it could always be like this,” Keith voices the unspoken thought between the both of them.

Lance hums. “It’s hard. But it’s worth it.”

“Do you think so?” Keith’s voice cracks, and he knows he sounds insecure, but he needs validation.

“Of course,” Lance replies. “You’re always worth it.”

Keith doesn’t know what he did to deserve such a loving and loyal husband, but he’s grateful. And he knows deep down that he would do the same. He does do the same for Lance’s own personal issues. Even when he doesn’t remember who Lance is, seeing him in pain always clenches at his heart. Lance helps him, and he helps Lance. They complement each other.

“Thanks for staying by my side,” Keith responds. “We make a good team.”

Lance exhales a laugh at that. “Yes, we do. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Keith places a kiss on top of Lance’s head and turns back to appreciate the scenery. Tomorrow could bring anything, but he doesn’t let himself be afraid. They have the rest of the day to appreciate each other’s presence, and the rest of the team will be ecstatic to hear that Keith is having a good day. He has a lot to be thankful for. The war against the Galra may have taken away his memories, but it gave him a family, a home, a loving husband. He would trade it all again and again to choose this. To choose Lance.  
  
Maybe Lance was right after all. Everything turned out for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was cheesy haha but I figured I'd make it happy as possible considering the next couple chapters will probably go back to being very sad. 
> 
> As for a timeline, I figured that they would be in space for around 10 years fighting the Galra and then probably making sure there would be a smooth transition of power and helping Galra colonies become independent again. Then all the chapters so far have taken place three years after they landed back on earth. So they are around 30 in this. I will be doing some time skipping every once in a while, but I think this will be the base time period. 
> 
> Also, they've been married for six years by this point which means they got married in space. ;)


	3. Do You Remember, We Were Sitting There By the Water?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think… I think one of my happiest memories is probably the day you told me you loved me for the first time.” 
> 
> Keith blushes a deep crimson that Lance can see even in the dark. He laughs and lets himself get more comfortable, leaning back against his pillow and scooting closer to Keith, who in turn leans into him so that their shoulders are touching. 
> 
> “I don't remember that,” Keith mutters. “Tell me about it.”

Lightning cracks in the distance, followed by a loud boom of thunder a few seconds later. Rain pounds on the window, filling the house with echoes from the torrential downpour outside. Every sudden noise makes Lance jump, keeping him awake. 

He runs his shaking hands through his hair, trying to drown out the noise, but another sudden thunderbolt causes him to tense up, subconsciously ready for battle. He closes his eyes and tries to steady his breathing, reminding himself that he is home, he is safe, there are no soldiers shooting at him, or bombs exploding behind him, or…

Another crack, and he jumps out of bed, stopping himself before he sprints out the door. Cursing himself, he sits back down. This is ridiculous. He needs to sleep, this is one of the only days he actually has to get up early. They are doing some interview tomorrow for a big shot scientific magazine. Pidge convinced them all to do it. But of course there's a thunderstorm the night before, so now he's going to look and feel like a wreck. 

He looks over his shoulder to see Keith sleeping soundly on the bed. He lets himself smile a little, Keith could sleep through absolutely anything, it was amazing. But if it was Allura calling them to battle, or Lance calling for help, he always woke up in a heartbeat. He had no idea how he did that. 

Lance could wake him up, and he toyed with the idea, but it probably wouldn't be a good idea. There was a 50/50 chance he wouldn't know what was going on, and that would only make Lance feel worse. And even if he did, Lance shouldn't drag him down into sleeplessness with him. 

So he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, focusing on happy thoughts. Keith smiling, Keith waking up and saying his name, Keith telling him he loved him for the first time… 

A particularly loud crack of thunder startles Lance out of his thoughts and causes him to rear back and hit his head on the backboard of the bed, yelping out in both pain and fear. 

This, of course, is the trigger Keith needed to wake up. He is sitting up a second later, eyes alert and trained on Lance. 

“What happened!?” He asks, alarmed. 

“Sorry,” Lance mutters, rubbing the back of his head. “Didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep.” 

Keith looks at him strangely and crinkles his nose. Oh great, if he doesn't remember anything then he's going to want answers, and Lance is so not in the mood right now. 

“You’re… my boyfriend… right?” Keith asks slowly. 

Oh good, he partially remembers. Lance will count that as a victory. He'll take what he can get. 

“Husband, actually,” he replies sheepishly. “For, uh, a few years now.” 

“Huh,” Keith says, as if someone just told him the weather. “Why don't I remember?”

“Dissociative amnesia,” Lance replies simply, trying to articulate the best he can through his shaking. “Keep forgetting basic facts about yourself.” 

“Oh,” Keith looks down, scrunching his eyebrows. It's kind of cute, like a child trying to recall something they just learned, but Lance doesn't get to appreciate it for long before thunder resounds through the sky and causes him to flinch. An embarrassing whimper escapes his lips, and he immediately covers his mouth. 

“What's wrong?” Keith asks, sounding concerned. 

“The thunder,” Lance explains, rubbing the back of his neck. “I, uh, get a little jumpy around it. Reminds me of the war. Guess I can't stop being prepared for attack.” 

He tries to laugh about it, to make it sound like a joke, but it falls flat and it's obvious Keith doesn't think it's funny either. He raises a hand hesitantly, hovering it in the space between them for a few seconds before resting it gently on Lance’s shoulder. 

“I'm sorry,” Keith says earnestly. “That sounds hard. Is there anything I can do to help?” 

Lance shrugs, “What usually works best for me is to just try to recall happy memories instead of scary ones. No offense, but I don't think you'll be very useful in that area.”

“Maybe not,” Keith responds. “But you could tell me about some of your happy memories, maybe it'll help you focus better.”

Lance looks at Keith worriedly. “That might help… are you sure you want to stay up and listen to me though?” 

Keith smiles. “Of course I do. You're my husband, aren't you? Besides, maybe hearing you talk about memories will help me remember some of mine. I'm only sort of half remembering things right now.” 

Lance nods. “Okay, well… most of my happy memories involve you anyways. I think… I think one of my happiest memories is probably the day you told me you loved me for the first time.” 

Keith blushes a deep crimson that Lance can see even in the dark. He laughs and lets himself get more comfortable, leaning back against his pillow and scooting closer to Keith, who in turn leans into him so that their shoulders are touching. 

“I don't remember that,” Keith mutters. “Tell me about it.” 

Lance grabs Keith’s hand on the bed and intertwines it with his. Keith keeps a steady, unreadable gaze on the point of contact as Lance rubs his thumb gently over Keith’s knuckle.

“Well… it was back when we were still in space fighting the Galra Empire. We had been dating for a couple months and I had already told you that I loved you a few weeks before. You hadn’t said it back yet, but I knew you just needed time. I’m the kind of person who rushes into relationships, and I knew you were different than me and needed space to figure out your feelings, so I didn’t push. I remember worrying that I was scaring you off, though.” 

He chuckles, remembering the messiness of the beginning of their relationship. The awkwardness, the overthinking, the eagerness to impress. 

“We landed on a planet with an ocean. I was excited about it, naturally, so when we were excused from our duties, we ran off to watch the sunset over the beach. Very romantic. We didn’t get a lot of romantic moments in space, so we tried to cherish them when we could. I remember we were sitting in the sand, and the atmosphere was similar to ours so we didn’t need our suits. You had your arm around me… and I had my head on your shoulder… and I started talking about home and playing on the beach near my house growing up and…” 

He feels the heat of Keith’s gaze on the size of his face. Their situation almost parallels the moment on the beach all those years ago. Curled up together, Lance talking about happy memories, Keith looking at him with a strange expression and then… 

“It’s like I saw something change in you that day. You were so timid in our relationship before that. You had one foot in and one foot out, like you couldn’t decide if you wanted to commit. I was afraid you would step out. I knew you had a hard time letting people in. Your mother was never a part of your life, and your dad was absent at best, before abandoning you completely. You didn’t understand love entirely, and you were convinced it wasn’t built to last, so you isolated yourself. But that day, I saw you start to believe for the first time. I saw you realize that you could have happiness. That you could have love.” 

Keith leans closer to Lance, so that his chin is right above his shoulder. When Lance turns his head to look Keith directly in the eye, their lips are just inches apart. 

“And then you said you loved me.” 

He whispers these words, their lips so close that they brush against each other. He can feel Keith’s breath against his skin, sees his eyelids begin to lower, they lean closer, and then… 

Thunder booms, and Lance snaps back to reality. He jerks back and tears his hand away from Keith and stands up.

“God  _ dammit!” _ Lance cries, gripping his hair and pacing across the room.

“Hey!” Keith jumps out of bed and runs toward him, gently grabbing his wrists and pulling them away from his head. “It’s okay. Just come back to bed.”

“It’s not okay!” Lance shouts. “I hate this! I just want to be able to handle thunderstorms like a normal person, is that too much to ask!? I’m tired, I want to sleep!” 

Lance feels tears well up in his eyes. He doesn’t want this, he doesn’t want to cry in front of Keith, who has his own problems. Keith struggles with his amnesia every day and here Lance is crying over a thunderstorm. He feels ridiculous and petty and he wishes Keith was still asleep. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Keith raises his hand to Lance’s cheek and wipes a thumb across it when a tear falls from his eyelashes. “You are a normal person. Any normal person who went through what you did would react the same way.” 

Lance snorts. “Yeah, we went through a lot.” And then, quieter: “Do you ever wish none of that ever happened?” 

Keith pauses. “Well… half the time I don’t remember it, but the half that I do… yeah. I wish that sometimes.” 

Lance looks Keith in the eye and sees the sincerity there. He sees the sadness and the pain and the exhaustion. Because all they ever are anymore is exhausted. 

“But then I think, if we didn’t, who would? If no one did, Earth might be gone now. We saved it, and so many other planets. And if it didn’t happen… think of where I’d be now. Would I be better off? Before I left Earth, I was kicked out of the Garrison and living alone in a shack in the desert. Not exactly a promising future ahead of me…” 

Lance lets out a breathy chuckle. Keith smiles up and him and presses their foreheads together. 

“And then I never would have met you. I never would have gotten to be your teammate, then become your friend, and then your husband. If this is the only scenario that makes that possible, if a universe in which I have amnesia and you have anxiety is the only universe that we are together, then I will choose that universe again and again.” 

Lance closes his eyes and breathes deep, more tears slipping down his cheeks. He’s exhausted and his heart is beating fast and when he hears another faint rumble of thunder, he flinches, knocking his head harshly against Keith’s, but Keith remains steady, pressing his hands firmly to Lance’s cheeks, fingers over his ears so that the noise outside is muffled. 

“Sometimes I worry that it wasn’t worth it for you though,” Keith admits. “You had a future, a family. You were at the Garrison on the fast track to becoming a pilot, you had friends and people that cared about you. You had a lot to lose. And all you gained from ten years in space was an amnesiac husband.” 

Lance raises his own hands and presses them to Keith’s lower back, bringing him into a close embrace. 

“I don’t really wish it never happened,” Lance confesses in a whisper. “I guess, on the bad days, sometimes I entertain the idea. But not really. I would never give up what we had. The team, all the people we saved. You. No matter what, I’d always choose this. Over anything.” 

Keith removes his hands from Lance’s face and wraps his arms tight around his shoulders, burying his face in the crook of Lance’s neck. 

“Come back to bed,” he murmurs into Lance’s skin. 

And so Lance does. He heaves back so that Keith’s feet dangle in front of him and feels the breath of Keith’s laugh against his collarbone. He collapses onto the bed, bringing Keith down with him so that they land next to each other. Keith smiles at Lance, laughing quietly and Lance smiles back. 

Thunder rumbles in the distance but it sounds farther and farther away. Keith’s hands return to their place over Lance’s ears and every time thunder sounds, he places a soft kiss in a different spot. 

Thunder, lips… 

Thunder, cheek… 

Thunder, forehead… 

Thunder, jaw…   
  
Lance loses count as he drifts to sleep. 


	4. Slipping Right Out of Our Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Keith–” Lance holds his hands out like he’s trying to calm a skittish animal and doesn’t have time to register anything else before Keith’s fist collides with his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is a little surprise! I was organizing through my documents and I found this file that I completely forgot that I wrote. It's super short because I decided to scrap it in favor of another story, but I figured I'd post it as a little interlude. This is the beginning of a bad day.

Lance is idly stirring a cup of tea at the kitchen table when he hears it. A thud and a yelp from upstairs, in the bedroom. 

“Oh no,” Lance mutters before he’s up and running. 

Keith does this sometimes. Sometimes he’s so disoriented by the memory loss that he panics, and that is not a good thing. Lance has to calm him down before he breaks something or hurts himself. Lance is not even at the stairs yet before Keith is barreling down, eyes wide and chest heaving. His eyes lock on Lance and he freezes. 

“Keith–” Lance holds his hands out like he’s trying to calm a skittish animal and doesn’t have time to register anything else before Keith’s fist collides with his face. 

The next thing Lance knows, he’s on the ground, rolling in pain, his hand cupping his jaw. 

“What the hell!?” his voice is high-pitched and blood sprays out of his mouth when we speaks. Great. He bit his tongue. 

“I’m so sorry!” Keith says quickly. “I just reacted! What are you doing here!?” 

“I  _ live _ here,” Lance huffs, rolling to face Keith and glare up at him. “So do you. We’re  _ married _ .” 

His jaw aches and he feels a bruise forming. Blood drips from his mouth and stains his shirt, but he still feels bad about the look of guilt on Keith’s face. He maybe should have been gentler, but he  _ did _ just get punched in the face. 

“Oh! Um…” Keith stutters, kneeling down to Lance’s level. “Right. You’re, um…” 

“Lance.” 

“Lance, right,” Keith flushes. “My husband. Why can’t I…?” 

“Amnesia.” 

“Right.” 

Lance feels bad that he’s being so short with Keith today, but it’s been a long week and he was just punched in the face and talking kind of hurts right now. He feels a bit better about the fact that Keith looks genuinely apologetic right now.

“Here, let me…” Keith raises his hand towards Lance’s face hesitantly, stopping before he touches it and glancing up at his eyes looking for approval. Lance sits more comfortably and nods, removing his own hand from his jaw. 

Keith lightly grips his chin and brings his face forward to looks at. He brushes some of the blood away from his lip with his thumb and tilts his face to look at the side with the bruise. He hisses sympathetically and pulls his hand away.

“I’m so sorry,” he pulls his hand away and stands up. “Let me… do we have an ice pack?” 

“In the freezer,” Lance points idly behind him in the direction of the kitchen. 

Keith nods and walks off, returning moments later with an ice pack. He kneels back down and presses it lightly to Lance’s jaw. Lance takes it in his own hand and Keith drops his.    


“You’re bleeding,” he remarks. 

“Bit my tongue,” Lance informs. “It’ll be okay.” 

Keith furrows his eyebrows. “I’m so sorry. I woke up and I couldn’t remember anything, and I panicked. And then I ran down here, and I didn’t recognize you, and you came at me… it was instinct.” 

“It’s okay,” Lance shrugs.

“No… it’s really not.” 

Lance wants to say something back, but his mouth is filling with blood, and even if that was not the case, he isn’t sure what he would say. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the many times my grandmother with Alzheimer's punched people in the face when she was confused.


	5. We Got Nothing Figured Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Where’s Keith?” his mom asks curiously, noticing his absence. 
> 
> “He’s upstairs,” Lance answers, then he bites his lip and looks away. “He’s… not doing too good today. I’m sorry. Maybe you should… come back another day when he’s doing better.”  
> ______
> 
> Lance's family comes to visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than the original oneshot lmao
> 
> Happy belated Valentine's Day... enjoy more sadness, this time from the perspective of Lance's mom!

Marisol knocks on the front door of her son’s house, shifting the crock pot to her hip. Behind her, her husband Ricardo and one of her daughters, Veronica, stand with platters wrapped in tin foil.

Lance opens the door thirty seconds later, looking very disheveled. His short hair is sticking up in different directions, he has bags under his eyes, he is still in his night clothes, and he altogether looks exhausted and _very_ relieved to see them.

“Mom!” he exclaims, immediately going for a hug but finding it difficult with the huge pot she is holding. “Is all this for me? Geez, you really shouldn’t have. How am I going to eat all of this?”

“You should,” Marisol pokes him in the side teasingly. “After all these years, you’re still too skinny. I thought all that time in space fighting crazy aliens would bulk you up, but you’re still a bean pole!”

“ _Mooooooom,_ ” Lance groans, twisting away from her jabs. “Don’t insult me right at the door. At least wait until we get settled in!”

Marisol laughs and moves inside the house towards the kitchen to place the crock pot on the counter as Lance hugs his father and sister.

“I just know you have a lot on your plate, honey, so I made a few home-cooked meals for you so you don’t have to worry about it.”

Lance jogs down the hall to catch up to her. She takes a moment to scan the house. The open floor plan allows her to easily view the living room and dining room. They’re very clean, and she suspects that Lance meticulously tidied before she visited. Her son is a lot of things, but organized is not one of them, and with everything he’s dealing with she doubts it’s normally this clean.

“Where’s Keith?” she asks curiously, noticing his absence.

“He’s upstairs,” Lance answers, then he bites his lip and looks away. “He’s… not doing too good today. I’m sorry. Maybe you should… come back another day when he’s doing better.”

Marisol’s heart clenches at the pain visible in her son’s eyes. His exhaustion seems so much clearer all of a sudden. It isn’t just physical exhaustion. It’s emotional, too. She might not be able to relate, but it’s hard on her as well. It’s not easy to watch her son go through this, and his pain is her pain.

She places a hand on his cheek lovingly. She has to reach up to do so, since he is so much taller than her.

“Nonsense, Lance,” she responds warmly. “We’re always happy to help, you know that. You don’t have to do this alone. How much does he remember?”

She can tell he’s trying to stay strong, but the crack in his voice betrays his emotions. “Nothing. I can’t get him to remember anything. At least he’s calm, but he’s scared, I can tell. I don’t know what to do.”

“Shh, shh,” Marisol soothes, bringing Lance’s head to her shoulder when she sees tears well up in his eyes. He hunches over and grips the wrist holding his head. “It’s okay, sweetheart. We’ll do this together.”

“I’ve tried to help him all morning,” Lance’s voice is muffled against her shoulder. “But…”

Ricardo and Veronica crowd around them and put comforting hands on Lance’s back as well. It was hard for the whole family when they learned about Keith’s condition. They had just gotten used to the fact that Lance was back, and alive. For years, he had been missing and presumed dead by the Garrison. They had a funeral for him, even though she knew in her heart that he was still alive. Then one day, there was a battle in the sky. Everyone thought that it was the end of the world, and there was a lot of panic. There were giant spaceships and beams of light, but most prominently, what looked like a giant robot fighting back. When the battle was over, the robot disappeared through a strange portal. Days later, Lance showed up at their doorstep in armor with the rest of the missing students, now adults.

She had cried so hard, she doesn’t remember now how she was able to stop. Lance hugged her tight, and even though he was different, older… she couldn’t believe she was holding him again. The whole family eventually reunited, and he explained everything to them. It hadn’t sounded real, but after everything happened, the mechanical lions outside, and the strange aliens with pointy ears that they brought with them, it was hard to question them. There had been a lot of publicity at first, it made it hard to find time to be with her son. The Garrison, the government, and news outlets of all kinds wanted to talk to them. They were the saviors of the world, and the whole universe.

There was a lot of criticism, which broke Marisol’s heart. But her son came back stronger and more confident than ever, so it didn’t phase him. She was introduced to Keith, his husband who he married while they were still in space. It made her heart ache to realize that she missed the part of her son’s life where he met his love, but she was so happy for him. She could tell by the way they looked at each other that they cared about each other so much.

But everything wasn’t all happy. Years of battle left her son scarred in places no one could see. He was more confident, but he was also more cautious, tense, always looking over his shoulder for an enemy, ready to jump into action…

Therapy helped, as much as it could. Keith was his pillar, his shoulder to lean on when the nightmares got too real.

But then something inside of Keith broke as well. It is still unclear why it took a year before the symptoms started to appear, but Lance often blames himself for leaning too hard on Keith and not asking him if he needed help as well. Marisol always chides Lance for thinking that, but she can’t stop him from believing it. Keith was always bad at expressing himself, Lance explains. He would never ask for help, he needed someone to initiate. And wrapped up in his own trauma, Lance never asked.

He makes up for his guilt now by being so incredibly supportive of Keith. Whenever Marisol visits, she can’t believe how lovingly and patiently Lance cares for him, even on his worst days. It’s hard for her to see her son’s husband like this, when he had become such a close member of the family in the year before he got diagnosed. But to see her son shoulder all the responsibility, and to feel like he had to do it all on his own…

“Let us help you, sweetheart,” she whispers soothingly as Lance lifts his head back up.

Veronica, who had been silent so far, moves to the stove. “Here, I’m going to make some tea. Why don’t you bring Keith down here and we’ll take it from there?”

“That sounds like a great idea,” Marisol agrees. “How about I come with you?”

Marisol rubs soothing circles onto Lance’s back and he sighs.

“Okay,” he concedes. “Thanks, Ronnie.”

“Anything for my big bro,” Veronica teases.

Marisol ushers Lance up the stairs while Veronica and Ricardo stay on the first level. She can see the tenseness in Lance’s back when she stands behind him as he opens the door to his bedroom. Then it’s like a switch is flicked. He suddenly stands up straight, smiles bright, and moves loosely and easily. Nothing like the tense slouch and worried eyes he was wearing before.

“Hey, Keith, how are we doing?”

Keith is sitting on the floor, leaning against the backboard of the bed, photo albums surrounding him and loose photos scattered everywhere. He looks up when they walk in with an expression that looks somewhere between trapped and desperate. Lance doesn’t seem affected by it at all and casually sits down next to him, leaning over his shoulder to look at the book he’s holding.

Marisol stands at the doorway and watches her son flip casually through the pages of the album as Keith looks down at it cautiously, like he doesn’t quite want to believe what he’s looking at.

“Ah, this is our wedding album. Not our _wedding_ wedding, but the ceremony we had when we got back home, so my family could attend. Do you remember that?” He doesn’t wait for an answer. “You were really nervous to meet them. You thought they wouldn’t like you. I kept telling you that you were being dumb. Of course they loved you. Even when you didn’t know how to react to their affection.”

Lance chuckles and Keith looks at the side of Lance’s face and furrows his eyebrows, like he is thinking deeply.

“I’m sorry, I don’t…” he mutters, looking back at the album and running his fingers over the photographs, as if he could absorb the memories through touch.

Marisol scans the floor, seeing evidence of their life together scattered around the room. Vacations, special events, holidays, even ordinary days all splayed out. All contained memories, frozen in time and preserved lovingly in scrapbooks, albums, and boxes. Memories that were so precious to Lance, but slipped through Keith’s mind like sand through a sieve.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Lance closes the book, and the finality of it resounds through the room. “Let’s just go downstairs and get you something to eat.”

He stands up and offers his hand to Keith. He looks at it distrustfully for a moment, like he still isn’t entirely convinced that this is his husband, despite what all the evidence suggests. Lance maintains the same practiced smile he’s been wearing for years, never breaking character.

Hesitantly, Keith takes his hand. He is lifted up, disturbing the pictures in his lap and sending them fluttering to the floor. They gingerly step over them and towards Marisol.

“Keith, this is my mom,” he introduces her, and she holds her hand out like she hasn’t done this before.

“Hello, Keith,” she tries to wear the same friendly smile that Lance has. “Call me Marisol.”

“H-hello Marisol,” Keith responds, taking her hand gingerly and giving it a quick shake before returning his hand to a fist at his side.

“My dad and sister are downstairs,” Lance explains. “If it’s too overwhelming, we can…”

He doesn’t finish his sentence. She knows that he’s implying that they can leave, even though she knows he doesn’t really want that. Lance loves seeing his family, and it’s been awhile since they came over. Marisol calls him often, but nothing can beat seeing each other in person.

“It’s… fine…” Keith says reluctantly, but nevertheless Marisol can see Lance exhale with relief.

“Great!” he replies tightly. “Let’s go then, the tea should be ready now…”

They go downstairs and reunite with the other two. Lance introduces Keith to his dad and his sister. Marisol can see a bit of a fire in Veronica’s eyes when she shakes Keith’s hand, like she’s angry that he doesn’t remember. Although Lance is older than she is, she’s always been a bit protective of him.

If she’s honest with herself, she gets angry too sometimes. She knows that it’s not Keith’s fault, but she can’t help but think that her son deserves better than this. He’s been through so much already, he deserves a break. She wonders if Lance stays with Keith because he feels a responsibility for him.

The rest of the day is spent lounging in their living room, gossiping over family and neighborhood drama, reminiscing over good times, and catching up. Lance always makes sure to explain things to Keith when he doesn’t understand the context and frequently gets up to take him out of the room when he starts looking too overwhelmed, under the guise that he needs him to help him get something in the kitchen, or other poorly veiled excuses. Marisol remembers when he used to use those excuses to sneak kisses.

It’s like the entire time, Lance keeps half of his attention on Keith to make sure he’s okay. They sit on one couch together while the other three sit on the bigger couch. Lance and Keith sit rather close, and Lance’s body is tilted towards Keith’s so that their knees knock together when Lance starts speaking too animatedly. Keith doesn’t say a word the whole day, and instead spends most of his time starting incredulously at Lance.

At one point, Lance casually slips his hand over Keith’s resting on his knee, and Keith jerks away so violently that the conversation stops. Lance turns to look at Keith with a face that is both apologetic and hurt. Marisol sees Keith’s face turn red and he excuses himself from the room.

Lance sits there frozen for a moment before getting up and quickly running after him. Marisol, Ricardo, and Veronica are left alone in the room in uncomfortable silence.

It’s so quiet that Marisol can hear their murmuring in the front hall. She strains her ears to pick up on the conversation and she can see Veronica and Ricardo doing the same. They all exchange worried glances. She can only pick up bits and pieces of what they’re saying, but she manages to string it together.

“...I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“...it’s okay… not your fault… I shouldn’t have…”

“...no, I overreacted. It’s just…”

“...don’t blame you, I’m sorry… won’t happen again…”

“...this is just a lot to take in… a little overwhelmed…”

“...it’s okay… let’s just go back, okay?”

When the two return, awkwardly distanced from each other and stiff at the shoulders, Marisol does her best to look occupied staring at random objects in the room.

“Sorry about that,” Lance laughs awkwardly, sitting back down a considerable distance further away from Keith than he was before. Keith looks torn between relief and guilt. “Where were we?”

The conversation eases back into normalcy from there. At first it’s tense, but it’s easy to forget what just happened when Lance is smiling brightly and laughing. The only reminder is Keith’s nervous fidgeting and withdrawn attitude, although he had been like that the whole day so it does not feel particularly out of place.

It becomes easy for Marisol to get engaged in the conversation and forget that Keith is there entirely, favoring catching up with her son. Lance too seems to be less aware of Keith’s presence, or at least trying to distance himself after the scene they made. There is an obvious gap between them on the couch and Lance leans towards the armrest this time. An hour passes easily before Keith is hesitantly tapping on Lance’s shoulder to get his attention.

“Yes, love?” Lance asks automatically, and if he regrets using the pet name when Keith imperceptibly flinches, he doesn’t show it.

“I, um… I think I’m going to go upstairs now,” Keith responds quietly, probably wishing for the other three to not hear.

“Oh,” Lance’s mask breaks slightly again, and he leans towards Keith with concern in his eyes. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No,” Keith answers quickly. “I just want to be alone.”

 _Without you_ is unspoken, but the words fill the room nonetheless. Everything is quiet again, and the awkwardness from before is back in full force.

“Okay,” Lance’s voice squeaks and his smile looks painful. “That’s okay. Go upstairs, I’ll talk to you later.”

Keith nods, his eyes wide and unsure at Lance’s obvious discomfort. He opens his mouth as if he’s about to say something, closes it, then looks towards Lance’s family and studies them for a moment.

“It was nice to meet you,” he says finally, and then he’s out of the room.

This time, the silence is absolute. Lance shifts uncomfortably and looks up after a few moments.

“I’m sorry…” he mutters. “I told you guys that today probably wasn’t a good day.”

In a second, Marisol is up and sitting next to Lance, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling him close.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she whispers, and Lance clutches at her back, murmuring _I’m sorry_ repeatedly.

She pulls him back and studies him. His eyes are glassy and his face looks worn. His eyebrows are creased and there’s a bit of stubble on his chin, like he didn’t have time to shave that morning.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” she finds herself voicing the question she asks herself every time she visits him.

“I love him,” Lance answers immediately.

“But isn’t it hard? You’ve been through so much already,” she gently strokes his hair. “I hate seeing you hurt like this.”

Lance looks down. “It _is_ hard, but it’s worth it. When he remembers, it’s so worth it. He still loves me. And when he’s like this, even though it doesn’t seem like it, it’s when he needs me the most.”

“But why _you?”_ Marisol asks. “Why are you the only one that has to do this? I know he doesn’t have a family of his own, but what about your friends? Surely they feel an equal responsibility to him? Can’t he stay with one of them?”

An icy glint appears in Lance’s eyes, and it’s the first time in a long time she’s seen him actually angry. “I’m _not_ leaving him.”

The conviction in his voice is so raw that Marisol doesn’t dare question it. “You don’t have to leave him, but maybe he can stay with someone else for a while? So that you can take a break?”

Lance sighs. “He’s stayed with Shiro before, but honestly… it hurts more when he’s gone. I need him as much as he needs me. Maybe more… he’s fine being by himself, and he needs a lot of space. I’m the one that always needs to be by his side…”

Tears slip down his cheeks and he leans forward again, hiding his face in Marisol’s shoulder. She rubs the back of his head soothingly.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” she tries to sound comforting. Since when did it become so hard to figure out what to say to make her own son feel better? “I’m sorry I asked. He is so lucky to have you.”

Lance pulls away to look at her again. “Do you really think so?”

His face is blotchy and his eyes are red. Her son has always been sensitive and caring, and she’s always loved that about him. But he’s always needed the same treatment given to himself in order to feel validated, and the world was grievously lacking in people willing to give as much as him.

“Of course he is,” she reaches up and holds his cheek. “And I think he knows that too.”

Lance smiles weakly and looks down at his lap.

“I just want to make sure you’re not giving him all you have without ever getting anything back.”

Lance looks back up at her. “It’s not like that. He tries so hard to make it up to me on days that he remembers, mom, I swear. I know he feels guilty and upset for forgetting me later. He does everything he can to show me that he loves me when he can. It’s... difficult… but it’s real. And it’s still here. And I would never leave him for anyone.”

Marisol smiles. Her son is so brave. She isn’t sure what she would do in his situation. She already aches just imagining it. But she knows that he found the person that he will spend the rest of his life with, and they have withstood all the trials they have been put through.

“Okay, I believe you.” she concedes. “Just… are you happy?”

“Yes,” Lance answers without hesitation. “I am.”

 

* * *

 

Later that night, after his family leaves, Lance walks back into the bedroom, slowly opening up the door so as not to startle Keith.

Keith is sitting on the bed, the scrapbooks still out and one in his lap. The notebook with his handwritten list of things to remember is lying next to him and his laptop is open in front of him as a home movie plays. Lance doesn’t even need to look at the screen to know which one.

It’s of their Earth wedding ceremony that they held for Lance’s family. Pidge and Hunk took turns recording, and they were very enthusiastic about their jobs. Hunk cried a lot, even though he had already been to their first wedding and cried at that too. Pidge mainly called them dorks for being so sappy and shoved the camera really close in their faces. It’s Lance’s favorite video.

Keith is at the part where they were saying their vows, and his eyes are glued to the screen. The scrapbook on his lap indicated that he must have been multi-tasking at one point, but then got distracted by the video. Lance has to give him props for doing his research. He wonders if he’s been doing this the whole time he’s been upstairs.

Either Keith doesn’t notice him walk into the room or doesn’t care, so he quietly walks up to the bed and hops on next to Keith. He finally does acknowledge him by tearing his eyes away from the screen to clear the photos away to make space for him. Lance mutters a thanks and scoots closer to get a better look at the screen. He makes sure not to touch Keith, but he is so close that he can feel the heat emanating from him.

Lance is speaking in the video, and he has to give his past self a mental high five… it was a pretty bomb vow speech. It was basically his goal to make Keith as bright red in front of a whole crowd as he could, and it worked. It is working on present Keith as well, he notices smugly.

They watch the video in silence for a few more minutes. When they start dancing together, Keith finally speaks.

“Wow… we were really in love.”

Lance tries not to let the past tense hurt him. “Yeah.”

Keith turns to him. “So, we’re married.”

“Uhh… yes?”

“This is weird.”

“What’s weird about it?” Lance asks.

“I don’t know you, and I’m married to you.”

“Well, I know you.”

“Probably better than I know myself right now,” Keith sighs and waves the notebook around. “I read this stupid thing… it isn’t ringing any bells. I believe you that I wrote it… I don’t think a psycho would go into this much detail to prove that I was married to them. And you probably would have just killed me by now.”

“Thanks,” Lance retorts.

“But… it’s weird. I want to say I remember all of this, but I don’t. It’s like my whole life is just one big blank slate.”

“It’s okay,” Lance reassures. “It’s not permanent. Your memories fluctuate every day. It’s scary to not remember anything, but you’ll wake up tomorrow and probably at least have a little more to go off of.”

Keith looks at Lance sadly. “This sucks.”

Lance nods. “It does.”

“Am I ever going to get better?”

Lance’s heart feels heavy in his chest. “No, the doctors say you probably never will.”

It’s the hardest truth for Lance to swallow. Most days he can convince himself that this isn’t permanent. That if he just keeps explaining things to Keith enough times, eventually he’ll remember them forever. But life has never been easy.

Keith slumps in defeat, obviously saddened by this truth as well.

“And you… you’ve stayed with me this whole time?”

“Of course.”

“Wow… thanks,” Keith pulls at the hem of his shirt. “That must be… hard. And… I don’t know who you are but… it’s nice. Having someone here.”

Lance beams.

“And the video…” Keith gestures vaguely to the laptop, which is now featuring Shiro give a toast. “And the photos, and everything… it seems like we’re really good for each other. I guess.”

“We are,” Lance agrees. “We’re perfect.”

Keith turns red again at this, and he can’t look at Lance in the eye. “Well, anyways… I was thinking maybe I would watch a movie… a different movie… and then go to bed. Would you like to… join me?”

Lance smiles. “Absolutely.”

They end up clearing the scrapbooks and pictures off the bed and putting them back in the closet. Lance lets Keith pick out the movie out of all his DVDs in the bookshelf above his desk while we gets started on his nightly skincare routine. Keith doesn’t remember any of them anyways, even though he’s seen them all, so whatever movie he picks out will probably be entertaining for him.

After they’re both ready for bed, they put the DVD in the laptop and hop under the covers. Lance holds it on his lap and Keith leans in close to watch it with him. The lights are off so that it feels more like a theater, plus they don’t have to bother getting back up and shutting them off once the movie is over. They don’t talk while the movie is playing, but Lance enjoys watching Keith’s reactions to a movie he’s seen at least a dozen times.

Eventually, Keith starts nodding off. He falls asleep on Lance’s shoulder, and when the credits start rolling, he gently shuts the laptop and moves it to the bedside table. He tries not to jostle Keith too much as he shimmies them down into a lying position. He tucks covers over both of them and turns to face Keith. He looks so peaceful as he sleeps, the stress of the day completely erased from his features.

“Goodnight, love,” Lance whispers, and he leans forward and kisses Keith on the forehead, before wrapping his arm around his waist and closing his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lance is nominated for best actor at the Oscar's next Sunday, make sure to tune in.


	6. When It Was Hard to Take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Keith is having a really bad day. He doesn’t remember me. And he isn’t trusting me. But he remembers you. He keeps mentioning you, and he won’t let me go near him. I don’t know if you’re busy or anything…” 
> 
> “Do you want me to take him for the day?” Shiro interrupts. 
> 
> ______
> 
> Lance gets a day off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't even really read this over, so it's probably filled with mistakes, but I just wanted to post it and get it over with because it's been over a month, how did that even happen? Sorry about that...

Lance bites his lip as he presses his phone to his ear, listening to the line ring.

“Hello?”

Shiro’s voice on the other end is like a godsend, and Lance lets out a massive sigh of relief.

“Shiro, oh thank god. Okay, so Keith is having a really bad day,” he pauses to take a breath. “He doesn’t remember me. And he isn’t trusting me. But he remembers you. He keeps mentioning you, and he won’t let me go near him, and he looks like he’s five seconds away from trying to make a break for it. I don’t know if you’re busy or anything…”

“Do you want me to take him for the day?” Shiro interrupts.

“I mean… that would… if you’re available.”

“Of course I am,” Shiro responds. “I’m always available for my team. And if Keith needs me today, I’m more than happy to be there for him. And you too, Lance. You deserve a day off.”

“Yeah,” Lance shifts uncomfortably. “You’re probably right.”

“Are you okay?” Shiro asks, because he’s always concerned about everyone.

“Yeah! Of course. You’re right, I need a break anyways. Some me time. Haven’t had that in a while! Who knows what I’ll do… you know, with Keith off my hands.”

“Hey, don’t overthink this,” Shiro warns. “Seriously, he depends on you every day of the week, this is just one day he needs someone else. Try not to take it personally. You know he still loves you, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Lance tries to sound confident. “I’m serious. It’ll be nice to have a day to myself without worrying about Keith. This is a good thing.”

“Okay…” Shiro doesn’t sound convinced, but he moves on. “Just get some rest. I’m heading over right now, I should be there in around half an hour.”

“Alright, thanks a bunch, Shiro. I’ll try to keep him put until you get here.”

They exchange goodbyes, and Lance hangs up, leaning against the wall and sliding down. A whole day without Keith… he hasn’t spent a day without Keith probably since they were first ejected into space. That was over ten years ago…

This would be fun. He can just relax, catch up on his sorely neglected beauty routine, watch the shows Keith hates even when he doesn’t remember that he hates them, maybe take a long nap without worrying what Keith will get up to while he’s asleep…

A crash sounds from upstairs followed by muffled cursing, and Lance shoots up off the ground. No relaxing yet, Keith is still here and very spooked. He runs upstairs to their shared bedroom, where Keith woke up this morning shouting and panicking. Lance had slipped out to call Shiro, telling Keith to stay put, and it seems like Keith had started getting impatient.

When he opens the door, he sees a flustered Keith and a shattered ceramic lamp on the floor.

“I’m sorry!” Keith begins. “I was trying to open this drawer, and it was locked, so I tried jiggling it, and then-”

“You were snooping?” Lance asks.

“I was… I was…” Keith struggles for an answer. “I was just trying to find some answers. I wake up here and I don’t know where I am, next to you and I don’t know who you are, and I’m just confused.”

Lance gives him a tight smile. “I explained things to you. I showed you pictures.”

Keith looks defensive, “Yeah, but that doesn’t exactly answer all of my questions.”

“Well, what do you want to know? I can try to fill the blanks as much as I can until Shiro gets here.”

“Shiro’s coming?” Keith asks, his eyes brightening.

“Yeah, he should be here soon.”

“Oh, good,” Keith lets out a sigh of relief and Lance tries to take Shiro’s advice and not take it personally.

It doesn’t really work.

“So… anything you want to ask me?” he asks helpfully.

“No… if Shiro’s coming, then I’ll just ask him.”

A burst of jealousy ignites in Lance’s chest before he can stop it. He schools his expression quickly, he can feel the biting sensation either way.

“Oh! Um… okay,” he tries to keep up his perky demeanor, but as soon as Keith brushes past him dismissively, he lets his face fall.

Keith is dead set on seeing Shiro, his teenage fixation on him back in full force. Lance knows he shouldn’t be jealous. Keith is married to _him_. But he hates feeling like he’s seventeen again, vying for Keith’s attention in the form of inane pranks and bad comebacks. Back then, he felt like he had to fight to get anyone’s attention. And then he found out that Keith actually liked him back. From then on, he became more and more of Keith’s central focus, and he depended on Shiro less. He had to admit, it felt really good. Why did Keith care more about him than the cool, confident Shiro? Lance still had no idea.

But Keith knew Shiro for far longer than he knew Lance, and he had a strong connection to him. Now it seems that Shiro is the only person on the team that he remembers today. Lance tries not to be bitter about that.

Usually it’s workable, but today Keith is having one of those, “I don’t remember you, don’t come near me” moods. Lance is not a fan of those moods.

Lance spends the rest of the time waiting for Shiro to arrive by awkwardly skirting around Keith. Keith is sitting on the living room couch looking increasingly annoyed, and answering all of Lance’s queries with the least amount of words required.

“Do you want anything for breakfast? Eggs? Cereal? Toast?” Lance asks uncertainly from the kitchen, where he’s trying to look nonchalant even though he feels himself fidgeting nervously.

“No thanks,” Keith asks coldly, looking towards the front door every few seconds.

Lance continues to fuss around the kitchen, completing inane chores until he finally hears the doorbell ring.

Keith shoots up from the couch and answers the door before Lance even gets all the way down the hallway. Once he makes it to the front door, he’s greeted by the image of Keith beaming up at Shiro.

It’s the first time he’s smiled this morning.

“Hey Keith,” Shiro greets easily. He waves his metal hand, and Lance notices Keith eye it suspiciously.

“Shiro, it’s good to see you,” Keith takes a moment to glance at Shiro’s white hair and scar as well. “What happened to you?”

Shiro laughs. “I think we have a lot to catch up on. I hope you didn’t give Lance too much trouble?”

Shiro glances up at Lance expectantly, and Lance tenses.

“No, he was fine. You know, as fine as he can be,” he jokes half-heartedly.

Shiro gets the hint. “Keith, this is your husband. Be nice to him. Do you want to give him a goodbye hug or something?”

Keith eyes Lance distrustfully. “Um, no thanks.”

Shiro looks exasperated, but Lance waves his arms.

“It’s fine! He doesn’t remember me, it would be awkward. You two have fun catching up, I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Keith looks like he very much doesn’t want to see Lance tomorrow. He says a quick goodbye and walks out of the house towards the car while Shiro hangs back.

“Hey, thanks for calling me. You’re right, I think he’ll do better with me today. He’s being an asshole, I wouldn’t want you to have to deal with that.”

“Oh yeah, he’s an asshole a lot. He doesn’t know any better, but geez. I wish I married a more tactful guy. He does not know the art of subtly.”

“Keith?” Shiro laughs. “No, he never did. He makes his opinions very clear. But… well, he’ll be better tomorrow hopefully.”

“Yeah,” Lance responds absently.

Shiro places a hand on his shoulder. “Take it easy today. I’ll call you tonight to let you know how things went. If you need to call me at all throughout the day, don’t hesitate.”

“Thanks Shiro,” Lance says genuinely.

“Any time,” Shiro salutes, then he’s out the door.

Lance leans against the doorframe and watched as Shiro gets in the car. He sees Keith in the passenger seat, looking impatient. As soon as Shiro is in the car, Keith’s expression softens and he’s talking animatedly. Lance feels a little self-conscious, so he steps back inside and closes the door.

Well, that’s that. Lance finds himself completely alone in a house that feels too big for one person.

“Alright,” he says out loud to himself, because it’s easier to talk than to get caught up in his own head. “What are we gonna do today? Ooh, I know, let’s start with some TV.”

Lance hops on the couch and turns on the TV to one of the channels he knows Keith hates. It’s one of those reality TV shows about rich people’s lives. Keith thinks it’s vapid, and their drama tends to rile him up. It usually ends with Keith shouting at the TV exactly what he thinks about their petty arguments and luxurious lives. Lance always ends up changing the channel when Keith starts getting a little too heated.

He watches the show sprawled over the couch. _No Keith to take up space._ He enjoys the drama, but he keeps waiting for Keith to pipe in with unnecessary commentary. It never fails to make Lance laugh, even though it makes Keith frustrated. He finds himself getting bored. He never knew how much he relied on Keith’s commentary to make the shows interesting…

 _I’ll just get some snack food_ , he decides. He heads to the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards. He pulls out some chips and goes back to sitting in front of the TV. He tries sitting and eating for a while, but he keeps getting distracted and scrolls through his phone in boredom.

He used to use social media a lot, but he doesn’t so much anymore. Mostly he doesn’t have time, and he doesn’t really do much to post about anymore. He has a lot of followers–young cadets and space lovers that want to follow him to learn more about his years in the final frontier. He has a publicist handle most of his account now. She posts all of his interviews and special appearances. He hasn’t posted anything personal in a while.

He mainly scrolls through to see what his other teammates are up to, but they’re mostly the same as him. Not anything really personal. He looks through his family’s accounts. A lot more personal things on those, but he knows about all the big stuff. He makes sure he keeps in touch. He looks through pictures of his sister’s recent trip to Europe with her fiancé. He hits “like” on all of them just to be obnoxious, and then likes the album just for good measure.

He thinks for a moment, then also writes a comment. _Looks beautiful, Kiera! But not quite as breath-taking as space. ;)_

He flops back down on the couch. He checks a few times to see if she responded yet, but she hasn’t. He turns back to the TV and realizes that another show is playing. He is less familiar with this one, but it also involves rich people getting into petty arguments. He isn’t interested anymore, so he turns off the TV.

He checks the time. Around noon. He isn’t very hungry after all the chips he just ate, but he decides making lunch will take up some time. So he gets up and goes back to the kitchen. He thinks about what to make. He likes cooking big meals for himself, especially after spending years in space. Going back home and getting to eat Earth food again was amazing. He missed mac and cheese. And pizza. And tacos.

But not Keith. Keith didn’t really care what he ate, as long as it was fast. He didn’t like wasting time cooking, he had better things to do. So he usually went with frozen dinners or sandwiches when he cooked for himself. It offended Lance, so he ended up cooking most of the meals in the house.

This time, Lance makes a small lunch for himself, trying to remember to cut down the portion to just one. He eats slowly, the kitchen table feeling empty without Keith sitting in the other chair. Even when he didn’t fully remember him, his presence was nice. Lance didn’t like being alone.

He glances at the phone. Shiro did say he could call any time… maybe Keith calmed down a little and would be more willing to talk to him. But no. Lance can spend a day without Keith. He’s feeling pretty tired, so he decides he’ll take a nap.

He clears his dishes and walks up the stairs to his bedroom. He flops down on the mattress and closes his eyes. He tries to relax, thinking about Keith’s laugh, his smile, how he looked at him this morning with distrust and anger in his eyes…

No, not that. Happy thoughts. Lance tosses and turns in bed for a while, trying to get comfortable and stop thinking so much. Eventually, he gives up. He flops onto his back and opens his eyes with a sigh. He checks his phone. Mid-afternoon… this day was turning out to be the longest day ever.

Maybe he just needed to get out of the house. They lived pretty close to the beach, a request of Lance’s that Keith happily obliged to. He had seen space before he had even seen a beach on his own planet, so Lance promised him that they would live near one when they finally got back. It was one of the many promises they made to each other on days they feared they would never return.

Lance forces himself to sit up and stretch. He shuffles over to the closet and puts on some shoes and a light jacket. He walks downstairs and grabs his keys and his wallet, then he is out the door. He hops in the car, turns on the ignition, and he’s off.

He’s driven to the beach so many times that he could do the route with his eyes closed. Except he wouldn’t do that, because that was dangerous, but he probably could. However, it’s been awhile since he’s visited it by himself.

He parks the car and makes his way towards the sand. He takes off his shoes and holds them as he strolls along the waterline, watching the waves go back and forth. Memories flood his mind of him and Keith splashing each other in the water, taking walks, and sitting back and watching the sunset together. Memories that Keith does not share at the moment. He closes his eyes and inhales slowly. _Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it._

He opens his eyes.

He misses Keith.

The rest of the day drags on the same way. No matter what he does, he can’t stop wishing Keith was with him. It’s irrational, and he feels so helplessly dependent, but he can’t stop. Keith is probably having a perfectly fine day with Shiro, and Lance is having a terrible day without him.

He forces himself to stay away from his phone. He keeps feeling compelled to call Shiro and ask how Keith is doing, but he knows that if he hasn’t called, then Keith is fine. Perfectly, happily, frustratingly fine.

Finally, close to midnight, Lance’s phone rings. He holds it in his hand, staring at the ID screen, waiting a few moments before picking up so as not to seem too eager.

“Hello?” he tries to say nonchalantly when he finally answers.

“Lance, it’s Shiro.”

“Oh, hey Shiro. What’s up?”

“Keith just called it a night, so I thought I would update you,” Shiro responds.

“Oh yeah? How was your day?”

“It was… interesting. Keith was really moody. I tried to fill him in as much as I could, I don’t know how much he believed. But he did say it felt like something was missing.”

“Oh?”

“He got more and more quiet throughout the day, too. I think he missed you, Lance. Even if he couldn’t figure it out for himself.”

“...Really?”

“He didn’t remember you, but I still think there’s a part of him that wanted to be with you. He’s stubborn, though. I kept asking him if he wanted to call you or go back to see you, and he kept saying no. But I could tell he could. I think it was killing him all day.”

Lance couldn’t believe it. The whole day he was feeling awful for wanting to be with Keith and trying to suppress the urge to call him, and meanwhile Keith was doing the same thing.

He laughs breathlessly. Ten years later, and they were still idiots.

“I’m surprised you didn’t call, Lance,” Shiro adds. “I was waiting for it. I think Keith would have been really happy if you did. Although… he might’ve still been a jerk to you. He’s stupid like that.”

“Yeah,” Lance laughed, disbelief still evident in his voice. “So stupid.”

“Well, I’m sure you want to get a good night’s sleep. I’ll call you in the morning when Keith wakes up. He’ll probably be more keen to see you then. I’m a little scared of dealing with morning Keith, to be honest… I’m kind of hoping he’ll just have all his memories and I won’t have to deal with that.”

“Ha, good luck with that,” Lance teases. It’s so rare for Keith to have all his memories that it’s always just safer to assume he won’t.

Shiro groans, “Please don’t say that. I know you have to deal with this every day, but I don’t feel equipped to handle this. You’re the one who can calm Keith down.”

Lance feels giddy. “Yeah, well, you’re obviously the one he wanted to see today so don’t feel too bad about it.”

“Yeah, okay. One day after two years of being perfectly content staying with you. I’m honored.” Shiro laughs good-naturedly.

After a moment of companionable silence, he adds, “Well, it’s been a long day. I’m going to head to bed. I’ll see you in the morning, Lance.”

“Yeah,” Lance responds. “Goodnight, Shiro. Thanks.”

He hangs up and flops backwards onto the bed. He stares up at the ceiling, replaying their conversation in his head.

 _He missed you, Lance._  
  
He smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter... we'll end at the beginning.


	7. We're Gonna Make It Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At first, it doesn’t seem like anything is wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter whoo! I just want to put a disclaimer in right now that I don't understand professional medical procedures or practices at all, everything I got is from WebMD so take it all with a grain of salt.

At first, it doesn’t seem like anything is wrong. 

Keith would forget his keys sometimes, or a lunch date, or he would forget to set his alarm. Little things that Lance would tease him about.  _ You’re so forgetful, Keith. All that time in space fighting an evil tyrant made you lazy. _

Then he starts forgetting bigger things. Things like the date, whether or not he ate anything that day, passwords. He starts mixing up people’s names, stuttering over a series of attempts before finally landing on the right one. 

He laughs nervously over his blunders, but otherwise says nothing. And Lance thinks nothing of it.  _ It happens, _ he thinks.  _ Everyone is a little forgetful sometimes.  _

Until it starts getting too big to ignore. 

One morning, Keith wakes up and stumbles into the kitchen, groggily rubbing his eyes. Lance is up and making pancakes, and when he sees Keith walk into the room, he turns to him and beams. 

“Morning, sleepyhead,” he greets, flipping a pancake over. “Breakfast is almost ready, do you want to set the table?” 

“Yeah, sure… uh…” Keith pauses and stiffens. Lance turns back to look at him again, sensing something off.

“Everything alright?” he asks, concern in his voice.

“I…” Keith’s eyebrows furrow and he stares at the ground. “I can't…” 

Lance leaves the stove and walks over to his husband, grabbing his hands and holding them up to his chest. “What’s wrong, love?” 

“I can’t…” Keith starts again, then looks up at Lance, fear evident in his eyes. “I can’t remember your name.” 

Lance stares at him for a moment. “What?” 

“I forget… I can’t think of your name.” 

Lance doesn’t know what to do, so he just keeps staring. “Are you serious?” 

Keith’s eyes water in frustration. “Yes, I’m serious! I can’t remember your name! I’m trying and I can’t!” 

“Okay, okay!” Lance grabs Keith’s face to calm him down. “I believe you. My name is Lance.”

“Lance!” Keith cries out. “Lance, of course. Why did I forget that?”   


“I don’t know… Keith, that’s bad.” Lance pauses, “I think we should go to the hospital.”

The pancakes burn.

 

* * *

 

At the hospital, the doctor gives Keith a routine physical. He asks for his family medical history, which he doesn’t have, what kind of medication he takes, which is none, if he’s had any recent head injuries, which he hasn’t, and if he has a history of drug or alcohol intoxication, which he doesn’t. 

They run some blood tests, then give him an MRI. Lance waits outside nervously as Keith is placed in the machine. The scan takes a while, so he takes the time to update his friends and family. When Keith is released, they tell them that they will get the results within the next few weeks, and send them on their way. 

Lance feels shaky the whole ride home. He’s uncomfortable with the fact that they couldn’t give them a solid answer, and now they have to wait weeks to figure out a diagnosis. He keeps trying to tell himself it’s nothing serious, but Keith  _ forgot his name _ . They’ve been married for three years and friends for ten, that’s not normal. 

Keith is clearly affected too. The whole ride home, he sits in the passenger seat looking out the window with a glazed look in his eyes. Lance is too absorbed in his own thoughts to ask Keith how he feels, so they drive in silence. 

At home, they try to fall back into normalcy as best as they can. It’s hard when they’re intergalactic war veterans at age twenty seven with no jobs. With no distractions, Keith is moody. Lance tries to pretend like nothing has happened and is overly cheerful. He knows he is, but someone needs to balance out the dark energy Keith is emitting. 

That night, Lance hugs Keith extra tight as he falls asleep. 

Waiting is almost intolerable. Their friends keep calling anxiously and asking if they heard back yet, and he keeps having to say no. Lance calls the doctor’s office a few times for updates, and every time the answer is “we’re still processing your results.” 

Meanwhile, Keith keeps getting worse. He forgets Lance’s name several times, he forgets previous conversations they’ve had, and then he starts forgetting things like Allura and Coran, being in space, the lions.

Anything to do with their time in space he seems to forget the most frequently. Every time Lance references it, Keith’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. Lance has to goad him into remembering, and even still he’s not sure if Keith is lying just to end the conversation when he says he remembers.

 

* * *

 

They finally get a call from the doctor weeks later. Lance answers, and the voice on the other line is the receptionist. 

“The results came back inconclusive,” she explains in a calm voice that makes Lance’s blood boil. “His brain scans and blood tests are all negative, there doesn’t seem to be a correlation between his memory loss and his physical health.”

“Wait, so what does that mean?” Lance grips the phone so hard his knuckles turn white. “Are there any other tests you can run?”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Rivera-Kogane, but there doesn’t seem to be anything we can do. Perhaps you should consult a psychiatrist.” 

“Hold on a second,” Lance raises his voice. “You’re telling me that after weeks of waiting for the results, you’re just going to pass us off to another doctor?”

“We assure you, sir, the machines didn’t pick up anything. There aren’t any more tests we can run for these kinds of symptoms. Most likely this is something psychological rather than physical. There’s nothing we can do.” 

“Can I speak to the doctor?” Lance is aware of how rude he sounds right now, but he’s desperate. He just wants to  _ know what’s wrong. _

“I’m sorry, the doctor is busy at the moment.”

Lance squeezes his eyes shut and lets out a deep breath. The tension that he’s been holding for weeks drains out of his body and leaves him feeling exhausted and helpless. In the other room, Keith stares at him expectantly. “Fine, do you have any recommendations for psychiatrists?” 

He jots down the number and address that she gives him and hangs up. In the silence that follows, he feels so weary that he wants to just collapse onto the floor. He isn’t sure if he’s strong enough to go through the process of waiting again. 

His hands are shaking as he grips the edges of the counter, but he forces himself to take a deep breath and straighten his back. He turns to Keith, who has been patiently waiting for him to tell him what happened. Keith, who became unresponsive last night because he forgot what Lance’s favorite song was. Keith, who admitted to him last week that he hasn’t been able to remember specific details about their ten years in space for a while. Keith, who has been his loving husband, his rock, his source of comfort for four years now. Lance needs to be the strong one this time. 

He smiles lovingly, willing the tears to dry in his eyes. “Sorry, babe, looks like we’re going to have to try Plan B.”

 

* * *

 

The psychiatrist’s office is warm and welcoming, but Lance still feels an uncomfortable tightness in his stomach as he sits in the waiting room. Keith must feel uneasy too, because his grip on Lance’s hand is iron tight. 

Lance is familiar with the environment, having his own weekly therapy sessions. But this doctor specializes in memory loss, so it’s a new office. 

The receptionist calls Keith’s name and he steps forward, Lance in tow. She ushers them into a back room, and a minute later, the psychiatrist enters and begins the evaluation.

Lance and Keith do most of the talking. They explain the recent memory loss, the failure of his last medical evaluation, and their time in space. Or rather, Lance tells him about their time in space, and how Keith seems to forget about that the most frequently. 

The doctor listens, but doesn't say much. He jots down a lot of things and prompts them with questions, but other than he’s mostly silent. At the end of the session, he says, “It sounds like this is stems from the trauma you endured during your many years in combat. Right now, I can say it definitely fits under the category of some sort of traumatic amnesia, but we will have to keep up these sessions weekly in order to determine exactly what it is.” 

Lance figured it was some type of amnesia, so he isn’t really surprised. What he does want to know is, “Well, is it permanent? Will his memories come back? He isn’t just forgetting our time in space, he’s forgetting things that are happening now, too!”

The doctor sighs, “Yes, memory loss can be tricky. The brain is a complicated thing, and it can do harmful things in an attempt to protect us. I’m sorry, but I cannot say anything conclusive yet.” 

“Well, is there any medication you can prescribe to help?” Lance asks desperately. 

“No,” the doctor replies. “There is no medication for amnesia. The only thing that can we can do for him is give him a supportive environment, and possible future hypnosis sessions. I will see him on a weekly basis, but until then, it is imperative that you give him a loving and stress-free environment.” 

Lance looks at Keith. Keith doesn’t look back at him, but rather on the floor, glaring angrily at something Lance can’t see. A loving and stress-free environment. That sounds easy enough. At least the loving part. That’s something Lance can do. He can do this. 

 

* * *

 

Lance can’t do this. It’s been weeks, and Keith’s memories have been spiraling downwards. The psychiatrist has been narrowing down on what exactly is wrong with him, but the feeling of not knowing exactly what’s going on has been maddening. Keith has begun to go to his sessions by himself, so Lance now spends one hour a week nervously tapping his foot in the waiting room. 

Keith has been pushing Lance away lately. He can’t figure out what’s wrong, but he figures that he just needs some space. He tries to give him that, but it kills him to not be able to talk about it. Lance is an over-sharer. He needs to express his feelings verbally. But he knows Keith is different, and oftentimes he likes to sort through his emotions privately in his head. 

He tries to give him time to do that, but he doesn’t know when a good time to approach him is. If he talks about it too early, Keith might get defensive and lash out. But if he waits too long, Keith might never open up about it. 

So in the meantime, he turns to his friends for emotional support. He keeps them updated, or at least informs them of the lack of updates, and they comfort him. He goes to Hunk’s house a few times when it all gets too much and he just needs a good cry. He doesn’t want to cry in front of Keith, it would freak him out. He has enough going on right now. So Hunk becomes the person he leans on throughout the process. 

And the more Keith seems to forget, the angrier he gets with himself. He lashes out, punching walls and kicking sofas, storming off or gripping his hair, eyes screwing shut and face getting red. Lance can see angry tears in the corners of his eyes sometimes when he does this, and he feels helpless. All he can do is gather him in his arms and tell him it’s okay, he’ll help him remember. 

He waits for the doctor to figure out what’s wrong with him. Once they diagnose him, they can help cure him. Once they figure out what it is, this hellish nightmare will be over. That’s what he keeps telling himself, and it’s the only thing that keeps him sane during this process.

 

* * *

 

The doctor finally diagnoses Keith with dissociative amnesia. 

It feels like a weight has been lifted off Lance’s shoulders, just having a name for it. The doctor explains that it stems from trauma related to his time in combat in space. Before Lance found out that Keith hasn’t been able to remember it for a while, Lance had assumed he just wasn’t as affected by it as he was, and now he feels selfish for that. 

The doctor explains that the amnesia can progress and that he may eventually forget his entire life. The relief that Lance previously felt disappears and he feels the weight sink deep into his chest, residing there permanently. 

“But… there is a cure, right? He’ll remember everything again eventually?” he asks uncertainly.

The doctor sighs. “There are no cures to mental illnesses, only treatments. It depends on the severity of the amnesia, but he may… never recover.” 

Lance stares at the doctor wide-eyed. 

“It’s different in every case. Some may regain their memories, if that happens then we have to be prepared to help him cope with the source of the amnesia. But… you have to be prepared for the worst.” 

The doctor explains the illness to Lance in more detail, but he can barely register what he’s saying anymore past the fact that  _ Keith will eventually forget everything _ and  _ he’ll never remember permanently again _ . 

 

* * *

 

Keith is very quiet on the ride home. Lance finds himself once again unsure what to say. The tension between them is clear, but he doesn’t know what to do to make things better. What can he say? It’ll be okay? He’s not so sure of that right now, the weight of knowing things will only continue to get worse is heavy on his mind. 

When they get home, Keith wordlessly locks himself in the bedroom, and Lance doesn’t follow him. Instead, he goes to the kitchen and starts making dinner. He’s adopted a lot of mannerisms from his teammates over the years, including Hunk’s tendency to cook when he’s stressed. It’s something mindless he can do, something consistent and controllable.  _ It’s a science, _ Hunk always says.  _ And science is always reliable. _

He cooks in silence for an hour, but the buzzing in his head fills the room with noise nonetheless. So many thoughts run through his head. What are they going to do? How is this going to work? Is he strong enough for this?

The thoughts scare him, so he doesn’t answer them. When dinner is ready, he sets the table and makes sure everything is ready. When there’s nothing left to do, he admits to himself he can’t put off talking to Keith anymore.

He silently walks up the stairs, feeling his hands shaking minutely on the bannister. Since when has he been afraid to talk to Keith? It’s a foreign feeling, and it doesn’t sit well with him. He has to fix this, he knows, but he doesn’t know how. He’s hoping Keith will be willing to meet him halfway.

He hesitantly opens the door, peeking his head in the room. Keith is sitting on the bed, looking down at his hands. His hair is mostly obscuring his face, but Lance can tell he’s distraught. The darkness emanating from him contrasts sharply with the daylight seeping through the curtains, engulfing him in light and casting a halo around his silhouette. 

“Keith?” Lance calls hesitantly, and Keith looks up. A sharp pain hits Lance in the chest when he sees how red Keith’s face is, and how watery his eyes are. He’s been crying, and Lance has been downstairs making dinner like an idiot. 

“I think we need to talk.” 

Keith’s eyes widen and Lance sees pain clearly in them. It’s the first time he’s seen Keith look upset by what’s happening, rather than angry or numb. It’s almost a relief. 

He walks towards the bed and sits down next to Keith, observing him quietly and wondering how to begin, but then Keith beats him to it. 

“Are you going to leave me?” 

Lance freezes. Keith doesn’t even look at him as he says it, just keeps staring down at his hands. Lance sees more tears welling up in Keith’s eyes and when he blinks, they fall onto his lap. 

“What!? No, why would you say that?” Lance grabs Keith’s face and forces it to look at him, to see the sincerity and worry in his eyes. How long has Keith been thinking this for? Where did he get that idea?

As soon as Keith looks Lance in the eye, he breaks down. His face crumbles and the tears come pouring out, and when he talks, it’s broken and his voice hitches. 

“Y-You heard the doctor, I’m just going to get worse. I’m not going to remember anything, even you. I’m going to forget you and I don’t want to, but it’s going to happen. And you don’t deserve to have a husband who can’t remember who you are. You deserve the world, Lance, and I can’t give you that. I love you so much but… I-I have nothing to offer you anymore.” 

Keith sobs and leans into Lance’s hands, which are still holding his face tightly. Lance is stricken, staring at Keith in horror, but his eyes are closed and he can’t see his reaction. He tries to will words to reach his lips, but he feels paralyzed. He’s never seen Keith so broken, not even after they rescued him from Zarkon after he had been captured for weeks, or even after that time he had been blasted by Haggar’s quintessence and just made it to the healing pods within an inch of his life. No, he has seen Keith physically broken and exhausted and bleeding all over the ground, and he still had more composure then than he has now. 

“And ever since this started, I’ve seen how you’ve tried to be there for me, but there’s still been a distance between us. I’ve noticed. I know I’m a lot to handle, and I don’t have the best reactions to things, and that Hunk and everyone else are more of what you need right now. I don’t want you to go, but… I won’t stop you. I just want you to be happy. And I know you’re not happy with me anymore.” 

That snaps Lance out of it. 

“Now hold on a second!” he cries out. “I think I get some say in whether or not I leave you! And I don’t want to!” 

Keith opens his eyes and looks up at him, his eyes glassy and his breath hitching.

“Why would you think I want to leave you, love?” Lance asks more tenderly, releasing the tight hold on Keith’s face and holding it more gently, scooching closer so that his face is inches away. “I didn’t mean to make it seem like I wasn’t happy with you, I was just trying to give you some space. I shouldn’t have done that, I never meant to hurt you. This is just another obstacle that we’re going to have to figure out.” 

“B-But,” Keith objects. “What are you going to do when I forget you? Do you really want to go through that?” 

“Babe, I’ll go through anything for you. I made a vow when I married you. Through sickness and in health, and all that. If you can love me through my mental breakdowns, I can love you through a little forgetfulness.” 

“A _little_ ,” Keith raises his eyebrow and pulls away. “It’s more than a little, Lance. Right now, I can’t even  _ remember _ our wedding vows. And this is only the beginning. It’s getting worse fast, and I can’t do anything about it.” 

“But we can make it,” Lance assures. “I’m not giving up on you that easily. I’ll remind you everyday that I love you so you never forget. I’ll remind you every second if I have to. I’m not going to abandon you like this.”

Keith’s eyes are still wet and his face is blotchy but he looks at Lance with nervousness, and love, and  _ hope _ .

“We can do this,” Lance asserts, grabbing his face again and pressing their foreheads together. “We’re strong, we love each other, and we’re gonna make it.” 

Keith closes his eyes and breathes.

“Okay,” he whispers. “I believe you.” 

They lean forward and press their lips together. It’s wet from Keith’s crying, and slow, and perfect. There’s no rush. They have the rest of their lives.

“We’re gonna make it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this fic was too sad for you, just remember that not all cases of dissociative amnesia are permanent.
> 
> I just want to say, thank you so much to everyone that read this. This started out as a 4K oneshot that I nervously posted online, so thank you so much to everyone who has given me kudos and written out thoughtful comments, you are the reason this extended to 20K+ words. 
> 
> This has been such an out of the blue thing for me, I'm not really a writer. But if I get another idea, I'll definitely be more confident about posting it. Maybe it'll be happier next time.


End file.
